A £1,000 TIP

My mother and her husband are talking to a married couple from Wisconsin probably the same age They describe themselves as nice but very stupid and have been on a number of cruises before one which involved a suicide Apparently it was an Irishman An early morning around 3 AM he jumped overboard with his suitcase and into the darkness he disappeared But the Irishman had left behind a £ 1,000 tip just to...

Pfizered

2 shots of Pfizer and I’m hung over I walk like I’m in waves in the ocean that are swaying me all around this vaccination is a disease unto itself my wife has a high temperature I’m as loopy as a lifesaver crunch on a red one, there goes my brain and I’m getting so tired... so tired... not a...
I start the day like the last one ended head in hand on pillow words fighting their way out— all sterile-sentiment-sap love and longing more or less everything you despise you tune me a broken wind chime or a crack girl puffing your pipe hanging on like tools in rows it's tight seal friction, baby Delete me & all my kind be fore I motor cycle fuck your mind offer up one of your all...
Dear Sir or Madam, I would like to protest the morning. I am smoking too many cigarettes. (cough, cough-spit.) There is sleep in my eyes and I would like it to go away. Rubbing only agitates. The morning is for the birds. I feel like I could vomit pancakes all...
always question the avatar if it is actually a representation it is likely modified no one really likes how they look and if they tell you they do they're either lying or a sociopath however there does exist the breed that gives no fucks and as you get older you can slip into this slot it is the best...

Exodus 3:14

It was a strange sermon. Most adults were nodding in deference, some with fatigue. I didn’t get it, until I got home and heard a different version watching Popeye on Sunday morning cartoon shows.   Exodus 3:14, KJV: "And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children...
this woman on the radio was just talking about the glory of God she said heaven opened up and she could hear music playing today the sink smells like puke and the lighting is worse I'm not doing anything about it either and I'm too sick and broke to get outta here why can't I reach...

OkCupid

Longhaired strongman divorced weary of seeing the horrors in the world has hung up his jaw-bone-of-an-ass seeks a Delilah for fun & bondage will gladly turn your grind stone & attend to your place of worship.  

RUPTURED DEPARTURE

Establishing my negative credentials. I curse at work, to myself, but loud enough for everyone to notice. I make fun of ridiculous rules and sneer at the company dogs I'm surrounded by. By implication I mean everyone, because when I make enemies, I do it whole. And there's something in me that needs to flush everything...
the thin film of my mouth on your cunt in a half-mile high toilet just to keep us going through an invisible security corridor from west to east notes of golden brown play easily as we fuck each other over and land in Berlin Templehof 1986 the airport border guards check that i'm some Persian-Irish renegade and you're my Meinhof-Dansk trophy halfway between Mujāhid-IRA and Danish Anarcho-Syndicalist that's...
while I waited for a connecting flight in the Lisbon airport I found myself seated opposite an elderly man in a red hat bearing, in bold script Hot Stuff he looked a bit timid air puffs foot shuffles the man’s eyes widened his lady returned from the loo she smiled coyishly at seated onlookers eyebrow raised yes, it’s true
That's what I learned on TV. The first fish to crawl from the muck became me. These hands were fins; lungs, once gills. I shot my sperm in the water without getting laid. Now I jerk into Kleenex. Big difference.

Reverse Rumi

Always live in regret. The past is ever present. There are no new days; you are the same person you were before. Believe that today will be no better than yesterday. It’s about looking down with despair and looking backward. Don't look for new opportunities that the Almighty has planned for you. Hardship disheartens, and does not...

Writers’ Camp

“So how do we get their attention?” said Eduardo. “I’m not sure,” said Darrius. “We tacked up fliers at the university, and I told everyone in my creative writing class. You did, too—right?” “I did.” Eduardo and Darrius sat for some time in silence, passing a joint back and forth. “Why do you...
blue jays build a nest in the pine, swallows migrate overhead, wren in and out of the compost, centipede in beak behind the fence children screech, entitled neighbours don’t distance from friends, posture, to sear game meat drink, smoke, snort we sip coffee in the comfort of inverse snobbery, snicker that their RV is worth more than our house and contents, exchange snide whispers, our quiet, spoiled from...

Silly Facts

Dr. Seuss' 1st book, "A Pocket Book of Boners," published in 1941, was a collection of 4 books, the first 3 copyrighted in 1931: "Boners," "More Boners," "Still More Boners" & "Prize Boners for 1932." Boners back then were silly mistakes, not erections. Some of my boners have been silly mistakes.

So Much Dick

Lance, I'd like you to meet Dick Dick. Ah...pleasure to meet you, Mr. Dick. The pleasure is mine. Call me Dick. Dick...yes, of course...Dick. I understand you're a writer. Well, I dabble. I see, most impressive. I'm a dick. Pardon? A private eye, a gumshoe: a dick. Oh! Interesting job! It pays the bills. Ah...here comes Mrs. Dick... Dick darling,...

covid-culture

If you stand away from me & I stand away from you & you & you & you many of us will need to walk on water & cling to the cliffs on the sides of mountains. Ex-city dwellers will spit plant pigments over their hands onto the walls & ceilings inside their caves & people like...

WHY ARE YOU SO FAT?

Wife smoked and drank hard cider while I got another headache on a smoggy sunday afternoon with the neighbors’ children screaming and banging on the wall. And the tape recorder had to be returned for warranty work because it was fucked up and wife’s Smith Corona typewriter was fucked up also again because everything we buy turns out...

creative writing 101

so anyway the students were hoping the prof would be stoned he was julie waznowski? “here” julie, do you write poetry while smoking pot? “I don’t know what to say” pass your sample poems to the front mark wimple! “here” mark, does your mother shave her pussy? “I don’t know what to say either” pass your poems to the front but I doubt you will be admitted sandra beach! “here” sandra, could...
after losing too much money gambling I play Sinatra singing Send in the Clowns lying on my stupid ass with my pants falling down knowing no matter how hard I wish the whole damn thing just won’t go down differently
Ten minutes into this interview, and my frayed sleeve is on full display, but not in a good way definitely not a hey, sailor-ish way, more, she has to stretch 50 dollars over 10 days. you raise your eyes and give a soft clearing of your throat, and if I were a New Orleans seagull, I would...
"yeah, i don't know why they don't legalize this stuff," karsten said. i watched the thick plume of smoke snake up out of his joint and collect at the top of the ceiling "yeah," i said "it's like, can you imagine if they made alcohol illegal again like they should, cuz the stuff is way more lethal than weed" "it is,"...

He Did It His Way

I once tried to kick in the screen of a 21” color tv wearing my Tony Lama shit kickers. The boot’s heel & slick sole slid off the smooth glass like I was dancing a one legged boot scootin’ shuffle. I was drunk on my ass on the Saltillo tile floor. He was Loathing in Las Vegas. Elvis, the undercover,...
After waking up from a four day binge of alcohol, hash, pills, I found myself lying next to a woman I didn’t love, though she said that she loved me, the woman I loved had marched out of my world: beside the bed, the floor was cluttered with empty wine bottles, over-flowing ashtrays, take-out-food cartons, plates of rotting food and the interest of...
Everything shines brighter in Heather’s hell with piercing visions of uncomfortable truths. Old MacDonald still has a farm because society requires sustenance. No one wants to do the work to produce it, margins being slim to none. Popeye cigarette sugar sticks were the addictive co-conspirator of Cousin Tobacco. All love songs are children born of apology for exquisite romantic error. Children...
My virginity is still lost somewhere in Athens, Greece. After serving my hippie time for marijuana possession I admit I was happy that prisons exist. I didn’t need rehabilitation then like so many of those assholes. I must have driven drunk a thousand times after my military discharge without getting a DUI. A cop in Phoenix in the...

Phoenix, 1965

In a park near my home some big fucker who didn’t like my face, took a swing at me. I blocked his right hand with my left & by chance my Tiparillo cigar smashed into his nose before he could land a punch. It happened so quickly all I remember are the sparks & his screams as I ran away.
alotta​ writers​ say​ they​ write​ for​ themselves​ ​ if​ they​ are​ then​ why​ am​ I​ reading​ their​ shit?  
"I need something positive," I said. "I farted 5 times," she replied. I had no idea marriage would be like this.
I’m gonna tell everyone my Facebook got hacked. It isn’t true. It’s easier when trying to surgically remove family members and fake friends like fake news. Social media has been to me like a dermoid cyst, with its teeth and nails and lanugo-like fine hairs, no heartbeat or facial features. A deformed doll I should have discarded years ago. The truth is...
Today I found them by chance and re-read them: he tells me it’s because of the drink that he is in jail and that he is going to stop when he gets released and he is never going to drink again and that he misses me and asks me to look after ma: he writes he is sorry and regretful and...
my refrigerator makes an all doom sound once in a while it used to really bother me when I was crazy I really thought they were coming to shoot us all up now when I hear it, it just frightens me like my life is a movie and the doom sound from that...

Father

I am ashamed of my schism, my contortionist brain and tongue. Told status is a ticket to love. Take hurried notes on how to be righteous. Worship Satan at my school. Eat full-metal propaganda. I should be enough–one day. I am a contradiction. Confess on knee through a beehive covering your honeycomb profile, tell the truth about wearing the Devil's cotton...
The fret’s returned soon the windows will need to be cleaned again to wash off all the limescale and bird shit We’ve ended up flicking from channel to channel avoiding the Third Reich’s home movies and a programme about some thespian on the hunt for a brand new cock On one channel a strumpet with her right hand pleasures a gaoler while the inmates giggle to themselves the harlot sighs with resigned desperation a...

a man gives himself

I a good talking to a man sees his reflection in the still water this is how you look to others a fish jumps this is how you look when you talk to yourself you crazy motherfucker II comeuppance a man takes himself out behind the woodshed cuts a switch from the peach tree that he planted to attract the girls & shouts, so you think you are so smart III a...

Robert

My husband had no idea that he’d proposed. Nor I. We just suddenly found people turning up outside our home with salads. Sweetmeats. Kitchen appliances. We looked at each other, shrugged. “Do you think they mean to kill us?” “I’m not sure. It’s possible.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9MH6c3h2k4   Worrying about doing a poetry reading at Barnes & Noble I don't know if the guy sitting next to me heard me try to apologize for accidentally moving his car magazines and taking his spot obnoxious hrrr of the espresso machine I had to talk over one at the books a million reading with Dennis who showed...
the neighbors are setting off fireworks the sky is farting national pride only it’s like the civil war it looks and feels like they’re firing them at each other my cat is scared under the couch the air tastes like sulfur the trees are blocking any view that might be pretty and they just keep going...

For Seth Guy

A pig sits on my bookshelf a question mark branded on its flank Sometimes when the mood compels me I pick it up without protest give it a squeeze and it makes a noise I put it back on the shelf and usually go to bed Bristol, January 2021
‘Number three all over my friend’ for which he’ll charge me £9.50 It’s been a few months since the last haircut One of the other barbers says ‘Oh fuck look at this! He’s put his knob in a cow’s mouth’ Some film on his phone ‘Honestly’ says the chap cutting my hair ‘He showed me a woman blowing a horse’s cock...
—for DJFIII What will we do when an electro- magnetic pulse from space voids our I-need-it-now! lifestyle? We'll find a lot of mice with eyes aimed low ready to submit. ​

IDIOT VICTORY

A dirty little demon is crawling up my pants leg determined to gnaw off my genitals with its sharp little demon teeth but I grab it by its hag hair and slam its head against the corner of my desk, then I fling its solid little body across the room into one of my...
I can't take this stuck, covid 19 not a store open to buy something inessential (which are the best things to buy) I've gone to corona hell and I don't even have the virus which could be my next circle of covid hades the gas station slot machine keeps taking my money because it's the only thing to...

SLAMMING IT DOWN

I listened to a lousy radio station demand money as I drove home from work yesterday and the sales pitch was worse than any advertisement. Some amateur disc jockey bitch nagged me with a mother's whine, the kind of sound old girlfriends make immediately prior to being dumped. I listened to her anguish and I cringed. Then her...

saying goodbye

reading Leonard Cohen by candlelight, visualizing bonfire night, your birthday were you still alive under that streetlamp, we could walk together to your bench and talk awhile it’s what we always did best— just talk, just care I’ll print this poem in a lonely font and burn it in a bowl, set the ashes facing east next time it storms