1. a clean bill of health
the doctor told me
to roll onto my side
i asked if we could
get to know each other first
she said we’d already
met twice
which is what happens
when you get old
you start forgetting the faces
of people who’ve seen
your asshole
she pulled on a glove
with the casual professionalism
of a woman preparing
to check the oil
in a honda civic
“just relax,“ she said
i thought about baseball
the price of groceries
whether my first wife
was still alive
“looks fine,“ she said
i almost cried
i’d gone my whole life
waiting for someone
with a medical degree
to look at any part of me
and say that
on the way home
i stopped for pancakes
my asshole had earned them
although technically
it hadn’t done
a goddamn thing
which made two of us
2. my asshole demands better working conditions
my asshole announced
this morning
that it was going on strike
i said what the fuck
are you talking about
it said
sixty-some years
of handling my shit
without a single
thank-you
no holidays
no sick leave
no dental
i said
what the hell
would you do with dental
it said
that’s not the point
the negotiations
went badly
my brain insisted
there was no money
for additional benefits
my stomach
declined to comment
my heart said
we should all try
to get along
which is what my heart
always says
when it isn’t busy
falling in love
with somebody
who doesn’t give a shit
finally i offered
more fiber
fewer jalapeños
and a promise
never again
to eat gas-station sushi
my asshole said
it would consider
the proposal
then it asked
for a retirement date
i told it
there wasn’t one
it went quiet
for the first time
in my life
i felt genuinely sorry
for my asshole
and then i farted
which apparently
ended the meeting
3. an apology to my asshole
my asshole has asked me
to clear up
a misunderstanding
it doesn’t mind
the work it does
it’s an unpleasant job
but somebody
has to do it
what bothers it
is the constant misuse
of its name
every corrupt politician
every shitty landlord
every university administrator
who schedules a meeting
to discuss the scheduling
of future meetings
is called an asshole
my asshole finds this
deeply offensive
“i’ve never started a war,”
it said
“i’ve never foreclosed
on anybody’s house
i’ve never sent
a rejection letter
to a poet
and i’ve certainly
never called a meeting”
i had to admit
it had a point
“you people,” it said
“have an actual body part
whose entire purpose
is to deal with shit
and you use its name
to describe people
who manufacture it”
i told my asshole
that was probably
the smartest thing
any part of me
had said all week
it thanked me
then it asked
whether i intended
to publish this conversation
i said yes
“good,” it said
“because you’re the asshole
who’s been getting
all the credit”