Her motivation was simple enough. “Why should the kids get all the presents?” a red-clad woman said as Milford police handcuffed and escorted her out of the annual outdoor Santa celebration, where parents and kids gather peacefully each year to celebrate the season.

But as Santa was busy handling the line of kids waiting to tell him their Christmas wishes, an unidentified woman stationed herself about 200 feet away, plopped down a large mail sack, and started removing adult toys, one by one.

“Who’s been naughty?” she yelled. “Better yet, who wants to be naughty?”

As she removed the first “toy” from the bag—a large black cylindrical object—observers say that an audible gasp erupted from the parents in attendance, with some snickers sneaking through the murmur.

“It vibrates!” she said. “Admit you’ve been naughty, and for 25 dollars, it’s yours!”

When no one approached her, she started removing other objects.

“These little suckers help your naughty man stay naughty longer,” she said. “Pack of five for $20!”

“And this little purple pleasure pole will keep you ladies warm while your man is out doing who knows what!” Another collective gasp emanated from the crowd.

Parents could be seen leading their youngsters away, some said, while others noted that some left the Santa line and moved over the see more of the woman’s wares.

But soon enough, police arrived and broke up the commotion.

“It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!” the woman yelled, as police led her away.

“Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas” this year’s Santa said, looking out over the now sparse crowd. But few remained, and so Santa packed up his gear and left the scene. Christmas lights were all that remained, blinking randomly from the liquor store across the street.


Image CreditSrikanta H. U

Lance Watson's poetry operates at the intersection of space and time. Haha. Okay, that's bullshit. But what the fuck. Lance Watson writes poetry and other shit sometimes when he gets high, which is more often than probably most people should, but as I said, what the fuck. LOL. Have fun, folks. --Lance Watson

P.S. If you've never written about yourself in the third person, as though you were dead, you should try it sometime. Why? How the fuck would I know. It's fun.